Illustration by Kalah Allen

Let's simplify this for any Dr. Doolittles in the audience who wish to share their animal's dander, saliva, scales, and intestinal worms with the larger public: If you do not have a dog, you do not have a service animal. If you have a dog, it is probably not a service animal. Service animals are dogs that have been specially trained by a certified trainer (not you) to assist profoundly disabled humans. If you are not really disabled and claim your beast as a service animal so it may prowl, prance, and slither through the aisles of Fred Meyer, you are actually doing a disservice to the humans who are actually sight disabled or otherwise dependent on their animal. They struggle enough from everyday thoughtlessness without also having to differentiate their real disability from your fake lame status. Stop being an ingrown pube and leave your animal at home (where it would rather be than getting sawdust up its nose at Home Depot). Why do you need your brown ferret empathy assistant to help you buy yogurt at WinCo?—Anonymous