Illustration by Kalah Allen

Let's pretend that my rent doesn't devour all of my fun money and I can actually shop for art on NW 9th, where a row of galleries shamelessly proffer pieces that—beyond concept—are priced to move. Rich doctors come here, one imagines, with a checkbook and a dilemma: Which piece will energize the zombies in the waiting room? Pop up the poop deck? Sexify the divan? This is a renovated junk sale to you and me who have nothing burning a hole in our pockets. Let's just go down the row: Here's a helluva whimsical weather vane made from rescued Teletubbies. It features carved, whitewashed wooden figures of cooks, a cow, a pig, bunnies, and carrots. $840. Next up are dorsal fins made of encrusted picture tubes. Zenith never goes out of style. $9,300. Ignore the $700 vases of gluey glittered obsidian and head for the pounded porcelain funhouse mirrors. Only $1,500?—Anonymous