Illustration by Kalah Allen

As a reformed smoker and tobacco merchant, I felt your pain when the recent tax hikes and manufacturer's price increases took effect. (I quit when cigarettes got to $2 a pack, about 15 years ago.) I'll spare you the reformed smoker's rhetoric, but you HAVE TO STOP BITCHING ABOUT THE PRICE! It's been a month since prices went up, but every hour I hear, "HOW MUCH?! Jeezus fucking Christ! I can get them for a buck less near my house!" You should have bought them there. "What's your cheapest pack?" I tell them. "You don't have anything cheaper?" If I did, that would be the cheaper pack, wouldn't it? "Are they cheaper across the street?" I don't know, I don't work across the street. If you walk over there and get the phone number, I'll call them and ask. I won't rail on you about the stupidity of smoking, but the "I'm buying a used car" way of purchasing cigarettes makes me apoplectic. Just cough up the cash and get the fuck out already. You smell funny. They say reformed smokers are self-righteous. They are right. Kill yourself quietly, please.—Anonymous