Illustration by Kalah Allen

You came stumbling out of the trees as I was driving down Columbia Boulevard, waving your arms and trying to stop a passerby. Me, in my bigheartedness, turned around and met you on the shoulder. You said something about "thinking you saw a dead dog in the slough and also... something else... floating in the water." You said you didn't have a phone and didn't want to go back, so I offered to go check. I went up and down the bank for a good 20 minutes and not a living (or dead) thing was to be seen. All of sudden, four shady dudes showed up and kind of surrounded me. Nervous, I asked if they'd seen a dead dog in the water and they said no. They looked high and creepy, and REALLY suspicious. I knew I had been taken for a fool when one of them asked if I had any "spare change" with this super bizarre grin. I said no, and luckily some people started riding up on their bikes. I quickly walked away. Fucking scary, creepy dudes trying to mug people by drawing them into the woods with a BS story... I hope you all OD and end up floating in some body of water yourselves, motherfuckers.—Anonymous