Illustration by Kalah Allen

To all the douchebags (male and female) who go to shows and do nothing but blab to their douchebag friends and text on their douchebag phones while the band is playing: Double-yoo-tee-motherfucking-eff? You pay $10-20 to see a band, and instead of paying any kind of attention to them, you're just going to do everything in your power to ruin the experience for all the people who are actually there to hear and see music? Really? Is this your idea of enjoying a show? Texting and bullshitting? Do you even like music? Or do you go to shows like this just because you think it will make you cool? Let me make a suggestion: Go to a fucking dance club! See, the music at these places is RECORDED. There's no need to pay any attention to anything other than looking cool and acting cool! You'd love it! And you can text to your heart's delight without worrying about bothering the dorks like me who actually give a shit about things like live music. I'm pretty sure the date-rape scene is way hotter in places like this, too.—Anonymous