Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear potential employer: When I went in to interview for the menial job you were offering, I could sense your suspicion that maybe I wasn't telling the truth. I wasn't. See where it says on my resume I was bussing tables in a Mexican restaurant? I was actually a homeless drug addict! I'm quite certain the stresses of the kitchen are minimal in comparison. Looking for someone who can really multitask and keep it together under pressure? Try looking normal enough to steal books while you're about to shit your pants from withdrawals! I've been shot at. You think your lunch rush scares me? Think I can't up-sell some fucking crème brûlée? Try subsisting off of selling Melissa Etheridge cassettes and children's clothing you found in free piles on the street. Want someone who can work with a diverse team of potentially difficult individuals? Try living in the fucking Joyce Hotel for months on end. So the next time you're interviewing someone and you get the vague sense that they maybe haven't worked a legitimate job in their entire lives, give them a chance. You may fucking learn something.—Anonymous