Illustration by Kalah Allen

Hey you! Asshole in the theater who always loves to SHHHHHUUUSH me. KILL YOURSELF. I know, I know: This movie is probably the highlight of the week of your boring little life—but come on! It's a f**king PG-13 soap opera in a second-run theater. And, guess what? I PAID THE SAME AMOUNT AS YOU, which makes us equals. I'm sorry you need to hang on to every little word as if your life depends on it. But I DON'T. I go to movies to have a good time. And if my partner and I want to Mystery Science Theater the shit out of any movie we see, then WE WILL. And, your pathetic shhhush won't stop me. It's the equivalent of honking at me in traffic. Yes, you have a horn. No, I do not care. So next time, moviegoer, if you're thinking of shhhusshhing a stranger, ask yourself if it's worth it? 'Cause chances are it just might be me, and you might just end up with "PIPE THE FUCK DOWN" keyed into the side of your car!—Anonymous