Illustration by Kalah Allen

I was enjoying a nice walk downtown until you nearly hit me with your speeding car while I was in the middle of a marked crosswalk. As you yelled, "Get a horse!" out your open window, I began sprinting toward your car. Thankfully the red light was only a block away, so when the light turned green, I was able to make a flying grab at your rear bumper. Holding on for dear life while you careened in and out of traffic, I valiantly pulled myself up to the roof of your accelerating automobile. From there, I reached through your still open window and turned the wheel sharply. Leaping from the car at the last possible moment, I landed deftly while your car rolled several times before mercifully coming to a stop. As I strolled up to the mangled wreckage, I was surprised to see you getting to your feet. "Horse THIS!" I bellowed as I unleashed a righteous uppercut that sent you flying back toward the arriving police force. Smoking a cigarette from a distance, I shook my head and scoffed while the police lay several tickets at your unconscious feet. Turning and sauntering into the sunset, I let a sense of contentment settle over me as I realized this was EXACTLY how I always dreamed such encounters would end.—Anonymous