Illustration by Kalah Allen

If you are as unhealthy a smoker as I am, you were probably a little bummed when the smoking ban went into effect. But smoking tobacco is not the only way to obtain that sweet satisfaction; that extra buzz that makes your drink taste that much better. No. You can CHEW!! And while chewing is maybe only somewhat grosser than smoking, smoking doesn't require any kind of bodily fluids to be left in a random glass for other quite pleasant and hard-working service people to dispose of. I work in a bar. You like to get fucked up, I give you drinks, and we have rules. Unfortunately, where I work we don't have rules against you practically vomiting out a small mass of slightly fermented, wintergreen-scented, decayed tobacco leaves into a trashcan a foot and a half in front of my face, or a half-empty pint glass on the bar. But don't you agree that we should? If you have to chew, take care of your fucking spit. Your host should never even know it's there. So please, plan ahead. Spit into your own Mountain Dew bottle, not mine.—Anonymous