Illustration by Kalah Allen

I know Segway tours have been a thing since Dean Kamen radically reshaped our fair city into a creative-class utopia with his sweeping vision of tomorrow. But godammit, I'm a pedestrian, and I refuse to bow to your elitist bullshit! I will not stand aside as a gaggle of able-bodied twenty- and thirtysomethings roll up behind me on the sidewalk. No, this is my right of way, and I'm not giving up an inch! The guide pipes up: "Hey pal, we've got a tour group coming up beside you, just an FYI...." No, mother- fucker! Not an "FYI!" A barefaced encroachment on my pedo-zone! I will not stand down! Do you see these, Dylan? They're my IMAGINARY EARBUDS that make it totally impossible for me to become a cog in your tourism wheel! "This is the Wells Fargo Center, one of Portland's most prominent..." Hey shitbird, you think they really want to hear about that crap? Do Segways stand upright when the operator is asleep? I reckon they must. Because here we are in the downtown core of one of America's most walkable cities enjoying a sunny 63 degree afternoon... and you're talking about the new coating of stucco on city hall. Excitement!—Anonymous