Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear Ex-Boyfriend—When you broke up with me and cut off all communication, I was destroyed. I did anything I could to feel close to you, which included hacking into your email and social media pages (with the passwords I sneakily obtained when we were together). I dried my tears poring over your messages, emails, and chat conversations, wishing I could still be involved in your life somehow. A lot of time has gone by. I have realized your shortcomings as a paramour. I have moved on and am now happily married. I still check up on your email and social media from time to time, but now for a different reason: schadenfreude. It is clear that you are still the same person (read: an unsuccessful try-hard) you were back then, and that comforts me in a way. Even though I was devastated when I lost you, I realize I have come a long way in the department of self-respect, and am much, much better off where I am now. So keep up the entertaining emails, messages, and chat conversations. I will be reading...—Anonymous