Illustration by Kalah Allen

Full disclosure: I might just throat punch the next Portlander who casually states, "Well, isn't Astoria practically a suburb of Portland?" No, ASTORIA is not an extended suburb, satellite, or neighborhood. Further disclosure: I don't have the heart to tell my educated feminist friends that I actually love the new Annie's Tavern sign [Annie's Tavern is the only Astoria strip club of note, or possibly the only one at all. It's definitely the only one city slickers from Portland have been able to find.—Ed.], which is under hot debate due to its lewd nature. Astoria is bawdy, lewd, and weird—always has been. The new sign is a tits-down, ass-up kind of "fuck you" to the gentrification of our one-of-a-kind (not a Portland satellite) town.—Anonymous