Kalah Allen

Hey neighborly cat freak—I'm really starting to get fed up with your pride of cats pissing and leaving dumps in my yard all over the place. My lawn is absolutely ruined with piss-burnt patches. One mangy feline actually hisses at me on a regular basis when I go into my garage. You don't even own most of them. Most of them are feral, and like to come around for the free mounds of dry food you leave out by the sidewalk. And you aren't some destitute, elderly person in need of companionship. You're just a super freaky, introverted, late 30s guy, who never showers and really likes pussy... the four-legged kind. Did I mention I caught you looking out your window fully naked more than once? Probably looking for Fluffy. You are the cats' meow.—Anonymous