My father will soon be visiting town. I wish to forewarn you of his arrival. If you attempt to approach him on the sidewalk selling Street Roots, canvasing for any political cause, or even if you are hurt and need help, he will raise an appendage and splay five digits in a "talk to the hand" motion. If you happen to be driving behind him, it is an accident waiting to happen—he once parked in the middle of the southbound I-5 Morrison Bridge exit ramp. Speaking of parking, he will take two spots with one vehicle, and any finger flipping you do will not be registered. If you work in a restaurant, he will scoff at you trying to explain the specials to him and tell you he was trained to cook in Europe, and if you tell him there will be a 10-minute wait, he will storm out of your restaurant complaining at a high volume. Also, any tip he leaves will be less than you expected. You may see me close by trying to mediate or drinking heavily, and though I am sorry you are dealing with this, I feel your pain too.—Anonymous
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