Kalah Allen

Thank you for being the most courteous car thief of all time. Even though you stole my beloved 20-year-old pickup truck, you were so dang nice about it! You used a shaved key so that you didn't have to break a window or bust my steering column. Despite a full tank of gas, you drove it only 10 miles from downtown, and coincidentally abandoned it only six blocks from where I work! You didn't wreck it or damage anything inside just to be an asshole. You took only my phone charger and commuter mug. You left the tape deck and the Creedence! You also left behind all of the paperwork from your recent arraignment hearing for stealing someone else's vehicle. You are a most courteous criminal.—Anonymous