Portland Mercury

November 05, 2009 Columns » I, Anonymous

I, Anonymous

Drop the Cholula

by Anonymous

I know that stealing a bottle of Cholula hot sauce from a local burrito restaurant isn't the end of the world, but it is dishonest. I had no intention of stealing until I noticed a fresh, unused bottle of Cholula at the condiments bar. I thought about how it would complement the burrito I was taking back to work. I waited until I felt the coast was clear, and put it in my jacket pocket. Later at work I idiotically remarked to my coworkers about my taking of the Cholula. Jaws dropped. My coworkers' reaction allowed me to realize what I did was wrong. I am a 30-year-old professional with a master's degree! Is this what I should be doing in my life? I can afford my own Cholula! I have since removed the contraband from my work fridge so as not to remind my coworkers of my ashamed behavior. I also realized how obvious I must have been to the restaurant employee. I regret having such poor judgment in her presence, because I am a regular customer and I think she is hot. I am sorry I stole the Cholula. It won't happen again.—Anonymous

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I, too, know of this temptation: that of stealing something that is easily affordable. If it was something that perfectly matched your living room decor it would be slightly harder to condemn. Slightly.

Posted by benny on November 4, 2009 at 7:23 PM | Report this comment

So basically you're a douche bag with some kleptomania issues...nice. I would be curious to know what said masters degree. But don't worry, chicks dig thieves....it's soooo hot. But hey, in this town it just might work! Unless you are one of these low testosterone, semi ghey hipster types....in which case you're either SOL, or freaking golden.

Posted by The Showstopper on November 5, 2009 at 9:49 AM | Report this comment