Illustration by Kalah Allen

Coffee shops staffed by strippers are ruining good coffee! This whole wave of boner-fueled barista shops is fucking ridiculous, sexist, and exploitive. It isn't even about the goddamn coffee anymore. It is about the hotness and the fuck-ability of the twat or twerp behind the counter. If you think for a second that you are creating an environment built on honesty and integrity, then you are lying to yourself, your employees, and your customers. You're in it to make money! You selfish fucks! Whoever is in charge of these shops, male or female, is exploiting our sexuality. You are over-stimulating the public with hard cocks and horrible caffeine. There are plenty of dudes who need a job, like me, and you are fucking us over by playing gender games. Why not open up three coffee shops, you asshole? The first one staffed by hussies, the second one staffed by your average mustached hipster douchebags, and the last one staffed by people like me, the generic and regular plain Jane and John citizen of the United States of Ugly.—Anonymous