Illustration by Kalah Allen

I'M FULLY AWARE that since I'm not sitting on top of a mountain in India, or anywhere else there isn't a gaggle of white hippies, that my yoga "practice" is kind of ridiculous. But dear dudes in yoga class, you know when the instructor tells you to exhale all loud and junk? Why, when dudes do it, does it sounds like they're jizzing in their tight Lululemon panties? I'll be surrounded by ladies who all make fairly normal sounds, then some dude across the room busts out with an "ahhhhhhhh," with a high pitch at the end, like right before they're going to pull out. I never climax while doing yoga—I fart, but never climax. I've asked around, and this apparently is par for the course. Also, is it a prereq to have a ponytail in yoga? No matter how fucking short your hair is? And to the incredibly skinny girls whose spandex slips right off, I'll buy you a steak if you promise not to sweat it out in Bikram. Or maybe just apply the steak to your lonely ribs. I'm sure your body will just take it through osmosis. I don't think it's normal to bump into you in the locker room and receive a laceration from your hipbone.—Anonymous