I, Anonymous 

GOOD THING I DIDN'T FUCK YOUR MOTHER

When your mother invited us to her house for lunch, I was happy that she finally knew the two of us were such a hot item. I enjoyed her company very much and was glad to stay and chat after you had to return to your job.

You told me a lot about this nice lady. Why did you leave out the fact that she is a nymphomaniac whore? She went from June Cleaver to Peg Bundy in one fell swoop and practically raped me over the hummus and pitas remaining on the kitchen table. I finally gave up resisting and was going to let her have her way with me. But when her fat, drooling boyfriend entered the picture I carried my ass outta there quick.

Now you have the nerve to believe her claim that I forced myself on Mommy Dearest. I can halfway understand why you and she would get restraining orders against each other, but do I need to restrain mom's nasty-ass boyfriend too? Fuck you and your beat up "family!"--Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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