Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear Heinous Old Bitch: NEWS FLASH! If you return PERISHABLE food to the grocery store after you've had it for "a week or two," we MUST THROW IT AWAY! You REALLY (SERIOUSLY?!) think that anyone wants to buy that shit after you had it at home for a week? Is your skanky refrigerator approved and regulated by the health department? OH, IT'S NOT?!?!?! Is it even plugged in? How do we know you didn't store the food under your slip-sheeted floral couch with the remains of your cat that you "just can't seem to find anymore"? How do we know you didn't inject the shit with anthrax or dog shit? Did you take your groceries in the bath, or to bed with you at night to keep your lonely ass company? WE CAN'T KNOW! NO MATTER how LONG you've been shopping here! And, no, you're wrong, I've worked here YEARS LONGER than you've shopped here, you fucking HAG! Just because you THINK I'm a nameless, faceless, uneducated/stupid servant doesn't mean that I am, and that I don't know who YOU are! We may work in SERVICE, and most of us genuinely want to HELP you, but we are not your SERVANTS, and you better figure out the difference.—Anonymous