Illustration by Kalah Allen

To Officer Dickhead, who pulled me over today and cited me for not wearing a seatbelt. SURPRISE! I was fucking wearing a seatbelt! You even had the gall to say, "Oh, well you have it on now." You think that in the two seconds from when I passed you until you pulled me over I was somehow able to finagle myself into a seat belt, while driving/being pulled over, without you noticing it? Either you're a total fucking idiot (which is likely) or I'm a key member in fucking Cirque du Soleil. It's completely unfair that a police officer can pull someone over just for the hell of it (or maybe to reach a ticket quota), even when that person has done nothing wrong. Isn't the Portland Police Bureau in enough shit right now (what with constantly shooting people)? Do they really need to be giving tickets to people who are OBEYING THE LAW? Fuck you, PPB, and double fuck you, officer. I hope someone beanbags you in your smug face.—Anonymous