I, Anonymous 

It's your fault I screwed your girlfriend.

I've taken your wild ideas and accusations with a grain of salt in the past, but your most recent is unfathomably laughable. You seem to believe that I am madly in love with your girlfriend. You think that I had a plan to get her drunk and try to fuck her. You think I'm jealous of your relationship. You think that I am manipulative and tricked her into falling for me. Like all of your instincts and tirades in the past, you are wrong again. I don't love her. She has a moustache and looks like Skeletor. I didn't get her drunk and try to fuck her. As you are so painfully aware, one whiff of a wine cork would leave this girl three sheets to the wind. And let me just say that, after she had more than three beers, and after all the crazy shit she was talking about you, I didn't have to try very hard to fuck her. You know that I'm far more calculating than cooking up a scheme with no real challenge. Gimme a little credit. I am not jealous of anything you have, much less the second-grade relationship you keep with her. Sure, that sounds shitty, but I think it's what you deserve for the phenomenal amount of grief you've caused me in the short time I've known you. Happy Anniversary. --Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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