Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear taggers at house shows: You wannabe tagger fuckfaces are doing more harm to the music community than cops, the OLCC, and Juggalos COMBINED. If you had even a quarter of a ball floating next to the tiny baby dick you're obviously compensating for with your big phallic paint pens, you'd fuck up shit that sucks, like a 7-Eleven, or a McDonald's billboard, or the precinct, like REAL taggers do. No one thinks you're hard because you lock yourself in the bathroom where no one can see you and write on my toilet, then scribble on my neighbor's house on the way out. When I was in elementary school, there was a kid who used his own turds to write his name in the stalls at school every week. He didn't have any friends as a result, but you know what? Even that kid was way cooler than you. Get the fuck out of my community, stay at your fucking mom's condo, huff paint, and write on her walls with your three-year-old brother, you Hot Topic-shopping, Warped Tour-attending, scene-killer poser fuck!—Anonymous