I, Anonymous 

Dear Tweakers

Hi, I'm your friendly Chevron cashier. I let you spend over a half hour in my store playing Mystery Bingo scratch tickets and making a god-awful mess out of my counter. I give you my spare change when you haven't got enough for a pack of smokes. I smile and tell you to have a nice day as you walk out the door, twitching and picking at yourself the whole way.

Since I feel that I've been incredibly kind, I have a few requests. Please stop leaving your paraphernalia in the bathroom. If you're going to smoke a bowl, please admit it to me and I'll loan you my lighter--I hate finding burnt up matches all over the floor. Also, please stop stealing the coffee filters and the aluminum foil from off the shelf.

We have a limit on how many bottles of Heet one person can purchase. Also, no, I do not sell those "little tubie things with the roses in them" or boxes of ephedrine--or torch lighters for that matter. The mirror in the bathroom does NOT detach from the wall and I'd appreciate it if you refrained from hiding your razors in the paper towel dispenser. I almost cut myself one night when I was cleaning.

My co-workers and I know who you are. We're not stupid. Some of us are former meth addicts ourselves, and at times we take pity upon you. However, many of you are far too obvious to be out in public. If there is something you require from us, please send a sober friend, or at least someone who HASN'T ingested an eight-ball. Our other customers, the potheads and the drunk bums, would appreciate it.--Anonymous

Read more I, Anonymous here

To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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