Illustration by Kalah Allen

To everyone who didn't give my girlfriend and me a ride home from Sasquatch!: You're an asshole. I expected all the lies about "wishing we were going your way cause we'd totally give you a ride!" from the Seattle schmucks, and all the asinine questions about "what is PDX?" from the morons of the Canadian north, but all of you goddamn poseurs who walked by wearing Blazers jerseys, yelling "P-Town!" without even offering sympathy, you suck. I would have filled your tank. I would even have bought you a new cooler full of beer. But no, you left us, two fellow Oregonians, to rot in the heart of Columbia River's darkness when we had to get to work by nine the next morning to work with disabled people. The worst are those of you who took the time to chat with us and give us a glimmer of hope with a promise to "call you within the hour!" but never did. And I know you had room, because I saw you on the way when we finally did get a ride. So I hope someone put used tampons in your gas tank, nails in your tires, and that your dog ran away while you were gone. I hope you got syphilis from the Honey Buckets and cases of explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting from that shitty veggie gyro you paid $14 for. You suck.—Anonymous