I, Anonymous 

Whack Attack

The first time a stranger whacked off in front of me was on Halloween. He was wearing a gorilla mask, and a mechanic's jumpsuit zipped all the way down with his cock in a penis pump. I was drunk and thought it was just a nasty costume until he whipped it out and whacked it. That was not as disgusting as what I saw last night.

You were in the corridor of the apartments adjoined to the Cricket Wireless store by PGE Park. I was on the MAX and I saw your shoulder jerking, and you made eye contact with me. I realized exactly what you were doing and made sure not to give you the satisfaction of expressing that on my face. You smiled and winked, repeatedly making the "sssshhhh" gesture with your free hand. The MAX stalled at this light for what seemed like hours. During this time the innocent gesture I've always associated with librarians changed, and will forever remind me of you. You ruined it. You eye-raped me, you filthy molester. There is not enough PBR in Portland to erase that memory. It goes without saying that I hope your myriad STDs mutate into a new disease that rots your dick away.—Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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