I, Anonymous 

The Spaghetti Incident

About a month ago, you took me home to your place after buying me drinks all night long at a bar. You showed me a picture of your six-year-old illegitimate child, who you've never met in person, made me a lousy, rushed plate of spaghetti, and tried to fuck me without a condom. As if one kid isn't enough.

The next morning, you dropped the bomb and told me you were in a "serious" relationship and that I needed to go quickly in case your girlfriend unexpectedly came by and caught us. I left quietly and quickly like you asked, and I never heard from you again.

But you remain in my thoughts. Every now and then, I send you little gifts by signing you up for things I think you might be interested in. You probably wonder why you get phone calls from people who say they've met you in a chat rooms, as well as receive numerous subscriptions, newsletters, email updates, books, telemarketing calls, and home visits by representatives of organizations like the Church of Scientology, National Rifle Association, Republican Youth Federation, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, as well as an assortment of magazines covering issues from motocross racing to parenting. Good thing I wasn't too drunk to remember your address!

You're forever in my thoughts!--Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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