Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the douchebag pogo-er of SE 35th and Morrison: You have got to be the only person in Portland over the age of 10 who owns a pogo stick and uses it on a regular (daily?) basis. And seriously, you are seriously way too serious about this bullshit. Maybe if you gave the impression that you were fucking around, and maybe if this were not a habitual thing, it wouldn't be so bad. But I can honestly say that I have never seen someone so goddamn serious about hopping around shirtless on a fucking pogo stick. You look like an idiot, and I assure you that I am not the only one who thinks so. What are you, nearing 40? FORTY! Get a real hobby, dude. And most horrifying, you wear what strongly resembles a pair of Zubaz pants. Yep, Zubaz pants, which I did not even know were still available for purchase. And if you ever, ever, ever again pretend like you are going to pogo into me as I innocently ride my bike down the street, I swear to God I will take my roommate's dare (money or not) to run into you and knock you onto the street.—Anonymous