I, Anonymous 

BEER BEFORE SPRINKLER...

I admit it--I ripped off your garden hose. Well, technically I didn't steal the entire hose. If you look carefully, you'll see that I took approximately two feet off of it. Terribly sorry, but I have justification for this plundering. I once made the proclamation that I could build a beer bong in less than ten minutes, anywhere in the world. I have never once failed to do so. At office parties in high-rises, on the streets of Berlin, in a field in the Netherlands, numerous bars throughout this nation--not once have I failed! I've found that nothing wins friends and women over like speed building a beer bong before their eyes. Many a garden hose and sprinkler system has been sacrificed to my worldwide cause. I'd like to comfort their owners with the knowledge that those two-foot pieces went towards a great purpose. I both apologize and thank you for the contributions. And if you ever catch me in the act, I swear to pay you for your hose. After all, if they don't get replaced, what the hell am I supposed to use next time?--Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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