I, Anonymous 

ATTACK, MY CRICKETS! ATTACK!!

You saw a package on my porch left by the mailman. You perhaps thought it contained something of great value. Perhaps something you could sell, and buy drugs with the money? Or maybe you were hoping for gold and jewels to give to your girlfriend. Surely you hoped it was something of value that you could get something for. I imagine your little mind working over time, wondering what sort of precious cargo you had just stolen, rushing home to open it.

I wish I could have seen you, dumbshit little bonehead, opening the stolen box with glee, only to find 2000 live crickets meant to be dinner for my Bearded Dragons. I hope it frightened you into dropping the box, allowing them to escape into your home. Perhaps you are now living with 2000 crickets roaming about your apartment. That would certainly be funny. Perhaps this very evening they will swarm your useless, thieving ass as you sleep. They bite, the carnivorous little fellows. Sweet dreams, dumbshit.--Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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