I, Anonymous 

Box of Chocolates

I thought you sensed it when I did it, but you didn't. I doubt something like that would ordinarily warrant such a polite reaction, but I was pleasantly surprised that the smile never left your face.

We were on the first date, and we were laughing really hard. Apparently, I overestimated my champion sphincter's control strength, because in the middle of a robust peal of laughter, I mildly shat myself. I excused myself to go buy cigarettes, but then I ducked into an alley, hiding from traffic. I stripped from the waist down, cleaned the under carriage with the untouched portion of my skivvies, and returned with a whole new game plan. I played the gentleman role, and even walked you to your door before shaking your hand as we said "goodnight." You told me how I nice I was, and I haven't been able to stop thinking of you since. It really did turn out to be the perfect end to a date. And all because I crapped myself.

--Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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