I, Anonymous 

Don't Come Around Here No More

This is to all the illiterates who frequently visit my house or call me at home. First of all, I'm on the Do Not Call List, so Don't Fucking Call Me. Ever. Secondly, there is a sign on my door that says "NO SOLICITATION." This prompts arguments from teenage go-getters with clipboards who inevitably say they "don't want to sell me anything." That is not the point of the fucking sign. SOLICIT is defined as: "To seek to obtain by persuasion, entreaty, or formal application." This means: Don't come to my house and ask me for shit. You're not selling anything? I don't give a fuck. Get off of my porch or I will physically remove you from MY PROPERTY (you might need to be dragged to the gutter where I will urinate on you and your fucking clipboard). Unless you're invited, a mailman, a meter reader, etc.—you are trespassing. The laws on this are pretty intense in Oregon. Under some circumstances you may legally be shot. You feel like getting shot trying to get your petition signed?—Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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