Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear Irrationally Aggro Whole Foods Shopper: You were behind me in line at the grocery store and it REALLY pissed you off when I walked my two items through the checkout line instead of placing them on the conveyor belt, which is apparently a rule you live by. Judging by your psychotic reaction to this consumer faux pas, I can only imagine the other ridiculous rules that govern your pathetic existence. "This girl has obviously never been to a grocery store before and doesn't know how this whole process works!" is what you barked at the sweet and perplexed store clerk. When I told you I was sorry that you were having such a shitty day, and that there was no need to cause a scene, you insightfully and intelligently replied, "Welcome to America. Get a fucking clue!" I almost forgot why, as an American, I am scorned and snubbed in other countries, but now I remember, thanks to your charming display of abrasive hubris. It's because of ritualistic and blindly patriotic assholes like you! Thanks for reminding me. And for the record, your mid-life crisis is written all over your early '90s surfer dude haircut and brand-new, unscathed motorcycle jacket.—Anonymous