Illustration by Kalah Allen

Anonymous Male Parental Unit: Can't you wait until the sheets cool off? Did you text in your stats to eHarmony on the way back from the divorce lawyer? Dealing with your split up is hard for us kids, but watching you strut around with a lighthouse mounted on your dick alerting the entire universe that you are now on the meat market is just sickening. I would just say it's a midlife crisis, but unless you have been pumping water from the fountain of youth into every orifice, your midlife was about 15 years ago. Worse than that, you bring home skank after skank and introduce them to us. Please have the decency to either close your bedroom door or put away the bright pink strap-on and bondage rope you might have needed to hogtie the last beast you brought home. I think I saw her in the team-roping event at the rodeo. How could you possibly think we fell for you faking a goodbye and sneaking her back in? We could hear her hooves hit each step up to your new stabbin' cabin. I am embarrassed to be your (soon to file for emancipation) daughter.—Anonymous