I, Anonymous 

Vigilante Van-dal

I keyed your car. Two nice big scratches with my key on your green minivan. Felt good, too. Why? Because you parked like an asshole. Your stupid green van was so diagonal, and your right fender was so close to my car I wouldn't have been able to get in if I wasn't so skinny. And it's not like the lot was too full to park like a civil human. I wanted to slash your tire, but it was daylight. But then and there I decided that's what I'm going to do to inconsiderate fucks like you. Vandalize! It's fun! So maybe you and the many other thoughtless ass-faces who park within inches of another car's door will at least think to protect your car from people like me. Now I just wish I could vandalize cars that refuse to use signals, cut people off, or stop in the middle of the road to chat with someone on the sidewalk or in another car. But I'm looking into it. --Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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