I, Anonymous 

My Anal Neighbor

Dear neighbor: I am still curious as to what exactly you were shoving up your ass last night. At approximately 4 am, while I was sleeping up for a big job interview, I awoke to sounds that I thought at first were from a werewolf. Upon further (involuntary) listening, I would better compare it to Macho Man Randy Savage losing a battle against a 40-oz of Olde English forcing its way into his rectum. It is almost impossible to describe these howls… it was unnerving in the same way as cat sex, but more primal and forbidden. Even more disturbing were the undulations of satisfaction that would occur minutes later. These were what made my hair curl. As it was only one lurid voice I heard, it is my theory is that you were working your way up the ribs of your triple-ripple butt plug, but this is all open to many speculations. Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't your fault that I didn't get that job, but I encourage you in your battle to shove more things up your ass at four in the morning. Just take some fucking muscle relaxers and start with your finger first.

--Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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