Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the simpleton who tossed a mucus-green dildo featuring a protruding clit stim onto the elementary school playground: Let's just say that you were on the right track when you decided you needed to be at school, because clearly your education is incomplete. May I be of some assistance? As someone who educationally mentors illiterate adults, teaching them the basics that most learn in kindergarten, I may be able to help you, you poor unfortunate. See, elementary school is where little kids go to learn. That's first. Second, kids that age shouldn't be exposed to anything to do with explicit sex. That includes clit-stimulating dildos. And you leave one just a hop, skip, and a jump away from the school's doorstep, that constitutes exposure. It's not that I'm a prude—I'm wild about sex, and have my own well-loved dildo—it's just that all those science-y smart expert guys seem to agree that kids who haven't hit puberty yet aren't mentally or physically ready to understand the birds and the bees, much less dildos.—Anonymous