I, Anonymous 

Another Snob "Issue" Dear Hipster: I saw you smirk at my outfit, and I have two ideas for you. The first idea is EAT A DICK, and the second is LOOK IN THE MIRROR. There's this phenomenon that goes with wearing Chuck Taylors, a Rod Stewart T-shirt from the Red Light, and your bangs over your face. It causes people to say things like "I secretly love that Ashlee Simpson song about La-La," and "My guilty pleasure is Couples Fear Factor!" Shut up!!! You don't love those things as a joke! You ACTUALLY love them!!! And you don't just pretend to be ashamed of Ashlee Simpson; you fake-hate your OWN stuff, too! ("I'm guilty of liking some emo!") Apparently, the un-hippest thing to be is a hipster. That is some post-post-(post?)-modern bullshit, and it's complicated and retarded. Like what you like, and be sincere about it. In the spirit of sincerity, here are some things I enjoy in a wholly un-ironic way: legwarmers, VH1, The Bachelorette, "Toxic" by Britney, the Darkness (you say you're over them, but you're lying to yourself), cowboy boots, Journey, The O.C. , and Lindsay Lohan. And if you skinny assholes smirk at me again, I will sincerely punch you in your tooth. --Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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