I, Anonymous 

The Emperor Has No Shift Levers

To all the dorks on fixed-gear bikes: You want people to think you're track racers, but you're just trendy posers riding stupid bikes. Before somebody else ruins a completely good pair of wheels and possibly kills himself, allow me to describe what it's like to ride on one. You can never coast--if you try, you will be catapulted from the bike with the tremendous energy stored in the inertia of your momentum. "Big deal," you might say. "I just won't coast." Well, that means you can't keep the inside pedal up when you take a corner, which isn't a problem on the track. And if you can't coast, you also can't stop pedaling to listen for cross traffic as you approach an intersection, so you'll find yourself blowing through stop signs and lights with less caution because your fixed-gear is so difficult to stop and restart. They don't have this problem on the track either (nor do they have potholes, gratings, speed bumps, curbs, or tree branches). So basically, posers, how much longer will you stubbornly suffer and plod through the miles, unable to keep up, fooling no one? Only Darwin can say. --Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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