Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear Portland Public Schools: I pay your salaries for one reason: to educate my idiot son. While I realize this is a gargantuan task—he is an idiot, after all—it is a task that will never be accomplished if YOU CLOSE THE SCHOOL BECAUSE OF ONE MILLIMETER OF SNOW ON THE GROUND. I am from Minnesota originally, and while it may sound like a cliché, I would often walk to school in six feet of snow. Our school busses were piloted by pedophile alcoholics—a few of whom were legally blind—and even THEY could get us to school safely and on time. Here's a news flash for you chumps: When I don't go to work, I don't get paid. And when my paycheck is smaller, I end up giving fewer tax dollars to the state, and to your ridiculous school system. Making less money also means I have less money to support your endless fundraisers, such as when my idiot son is sent home with candy, gift-wrapping, or flower seeds to sell. So think about that the next time you cancel school because a couple snowflakes fell from the sky. Time equals money—or did no one ever teach you that?—Anonymous