I Anonymous 

choose your own adventure

With dripping saber-toothed tiger heart in hand, you press the conveniently placed "return" button on Smitty's space-age gun. A shimmering portal of green and purple energy immediately opens in front of you. You step through and are transported back to the grimy Expo Center of 2006, where a stumbling, mumbling Smitty paces back and forth in front of Fang's cage.

"There you are!" roars Smitty. "Do you have it!?"

"Yes!" you say triumphantly, holding out the heart. Smitty snatches it up, swiftly slices a hole in Fang's heaving side with his grotesque, clawed hand, and shoves the heart into its proper place.

"Done and done!" he boasts. "The kitties are saved!"

"It's that easy?" you ask. "You just kind of cram it in there?"

"I used to be a veterinarian!" Smitty says indignantly.

"Fair enough," you reply. "So... I guess now you can take Fang back to his own time, and repair the rip in the space-time continuum, or whatever."

"What?" growls Smitty. "I'm not taking Fang, anywhere, you half-witted dipshit! We're the bestest of friends!"


"THE KITTIES ARE SAVED!" screams Smitty.


To start over, click here.

Read more I, Anonymous here

To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com


Subscribe to this thread:

Comments are closed.

From the Archives

Most Commented On

Top Viewed Stories

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy