Illustration by Kalah Allen

To my neighborhood porn store: We've known each other for a while. Each time my BFF or I need a new vibrator or some humorously tall platform glitter shoes, you're the one we turn to. That's why when we urgently needed a pair of sex cuffs we came straight to you. And my, were we delighted to see that you had a promotion going on: Spend $50 and pick a prize from the basket. We were thrilled to get a dainty pink vibrator/massage lotion set. Then we pulled it out in the car. Our hot pink box was held closed with several strips of packing tape, a clear indication that it had been previously opened. We assumed it had merely been a display model. But, oh no. We pulled the actual vibrator out of the box and it was STICKY, as in someone had previously smeared it with LUBE and USED it. We also noticed that the bottle of massage lotion was only a quarter full. And, the icing on the cake: A DEAD BABY COCKROACH at the bottom of the box. Ever heard of coupons? Because seriously, giving away sticky, used sex toys as a way to lure in unsuspecting customers is hands down the WORST idea anyone has ever had.—Anonymous