I, Anonymous 

No Holla Back

Dear pathetic, wannabe "playas": I don't care if you're some derelict who just washed up on the riverbank, a yuppie in designer sheep's clothing, the reincarnation of Vanilla Ice, or are actually, in the flesh, Slick Rick. If you bother female strangers on the street, whether through warbling, "S'up!" or screaming in desperation, you are a lower form of ape, and in older days we'd banish you back to the jungle. If this many decades into your disposable life your best shot at companionship is still bothering every passing pedestrian that tickles your atrophied dick, you are only advertising your pathetic desperation to the mirthful public. So the next time you consider whooping from a speeding car (real brave) or throwing a hissy fit (real effective) because a "bitch" is walking away from you, why don't you and your virgin-ass friends try a new tact and go circle-jerk each other off.—Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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