Kalah Allen

Dear single ladies of Portland: After two recent first dates that have involved eating out, I have decided I'd rather stay single than eat another meal with you. Here's some basic advice your parents should have taught you when you were learning how to use a fork: (1) We don't live in a culture where lip smacking is considered a compliment. It's, in fact, disgusting. (2) Talking with your mouth full is also unattractive. On a first date, I'm trying to learn a little something about you. I'm not interested in a front row seat to the Initiation of the Digestive Process. Trying to make out what you're saying while you're working on that next bite of chicken Caesar is a little work, but I'd take that over having to dodge bits of partially chewed food that launch from your tongue as you introduce me to the amazingly diverse, fun, and interesting person you are. (3) Taking food off my plate without asking does not tell me you're a devil-may-care, fun-loving woman. It tells me you don't respect boundaries. So, when the server comes around with the bill, I might have my credit card already handy because I've lost all interest and am more than ready to call it a night.—Anonymous