Kalah Allen

Dear gluten-free people: I really, really think you're making it up. The University of Chicago says that 1 in 133 people are estimated to have undiagnosed celiac disease. Last time I checked, that was not "everyone I have ever met in the last six months." Do you think you have it? Go get tested. THEN come back to me with your agonizing dietary requests at dinner parties, your inability to find a bar that consistently serves gluten-free beer, bringing a loaf of flat, stale potato bread to switch out at Laurelhurst Market, your endless complaining and proselytizing and NO, I will not try it and see. When I notice that I'm a little bloated, I don't walk around telling my friends, "I think I have an auto-immune disorder!" I say, "Man, maybe I should stop stuffing my FAT FACE full of SHIT." In a year, CNN is going to persuade you that you have this other Neurosis Of The Moment and you will find some other COMPLETELY SHOCKING reason why you're depressed/farting like crazy/covered in acne. It's because you're an impressionable lemming that has no idea how to eat and take care of yourself. Stop reading CNN, go outside, and eat a goddamn apple.—Anonymous