Kalah Allen

Dear Applicant/Piece of Shit—We regret to inform you via form letter that we've received, like, a hundred million billion amazing super awesome applicants for this crappy part-time position but we could only interview the ones we related to. And boy-howdy! You sure as hell weren't one! Since this is a form letter and I am a form-letter-bot (Model K8000!) we will not be providing you with the courtesy of rejecting you—not from a job, but from the honor of interviewing with us—with any form of personal contact or explanation of any kind. We'd love to personally slap you and every other applicant we've found to be worthless in the face, but unfortunately we don't have the time or budget, so please accept this form letter in that abuse's stead. We're not even going to bother to interview you because your education is from a local college, and we prefer to hire Ivy League grads who will not earn enough from our poverty-level wages to pay the capital on their student loans, and we'd really hate to see a job benefit someone or anyone who didn't feel it was well beneath them. Drop dead at your earliest convenience.—Anonymous