The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.
You are not Anthony Bourdain. Anthony Bourdain isn't even Anthony Bourdain anymore, he's a Travel Channel shill, and you can see it on his face with every new episode. But at least he has the decency to kind of admit he's a phony. You don't. Therefore, using every opportunity to put bacon in something and opening your idiot mouth to bitch about some far-reaching vegetarian/vegan conspiracy to rob you of your God-given right to torture and eat something only shows that you are passé and a copycat asshole. You think you're cool because you got a pork-chop tattoo on your neck and can do something "neat" with meat? Grill station may be tough, but anyone can throw some salt and pepper on that bitch and make it delicious. Make a vegan sausage that is as tasty as fresh pig—then you've got bragging rights and are a real kitchen Jedi. Don't think you're off the hook, health nuts. Ever hear of vegetable broth? You can cook your beans in it and they don't taste like shit. And don't act like you're doing the universe a favor by dropping some half-cooked, flavorless slop on a plate.—Anonymous