Kalah Allen

To the thoughtless, heartless, scum-sucking thief who has stolen from my neighbor THREE DAMN TIMES this month: I don't know you, but I'd love to beat you senseless sometime. Our neighbor is a sweet, generous, elderly widow who volunteers in our community and is, in general, a stellar human being. You must know at least a little about her, as your crime wave began mere DAYS after the death of her beloved (and vocal) dog. Since then you have taken anything you can get your hands on: Her patio furniture, her prize-winning rose bushes and potted plants, garden decorations, etc. Nothing is beneath you to deprive of this woman. Well guess what, you warm bucket of hamster vomit? We set up a camera for her, and one of the other neighbors is making a point of walking his huge, felon-hating pit bull later at night, in hopes of catching you once again proving your lack of worth to this society. It's either the camera (and the cops) or Cujo. I'm personally hoping it's all three. Oh, and that the dog doesn't get sick from chewing on your subhuman flesh.—Anonymous