After a particularly shitty day, I went to my garden plot expecting to be able to feast on my first broccoli crop of the season. Instead, I found a bunch of sad plants that had the broccoli crowns snapped off of them. What sort of horrible fuck face steals organic broccoli? The sort of person who's in for some unpleasant chemical side effects, that's who. You're in for a nasty surprise. I've poisoned half my veggies. I know which ones not to eat, do you? Keep stealing, and prepare yourself for some serious diarrhea, facial swelling, and "hairy black tongue" (yes, that is one of the listed side effects of ingesting this chemical). I feel justified in doing this: I left a pleasant note asking if you were stealing vegetables because you are starving. I received no reply, just more stolen veggies. So, I can only assume that you are a lazy fucking trustafarian with no respect. If I find your swollen, diarrhea-covered, stealing ass, I will rip that black hairy tongue from your mouth myself. Try and enjoy my broccoli after that, motherfucker.—Anonymous
The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.