I, Anonymous 

I Love Your Shoes

You are a prissy coworker of mine who turns me on and off at the same time. You are super hot, but your snotty indie-rocker-bicycle- elitist-vegan-tramp attitude ruins it. You show up daily to our workplace with your earth oil smell accompanied by a scowl that could drop 100 perked-up peckers. I happen to own one of those bigger boners, baby, and you treat me like dirt. But you know, I'm definitely cool with all that because today you put on your sexy work shoes and left your street kicks aside, on top of your locker. It took me some courage and determination, but I took one of those stinky sneaks and went into my personal wank-shack, and pretty much screwed that shoe senseless, dropping off a huge load, then carefully put it back exactly where it was. It was by far my best orgasm to date and many thanks to you, because I think I may have found my new kink. The shoe was a women's size six or seven, old-school low-top Vans (checkered)... I plan on fucking the left one next week.—Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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